THE FROG PRINCE by Jim Kent

In the English version of the Grimm Brothers’ story about the Frog Prince, the prince turns into a regular guy when he gets kissed.  I thought about this story the other day when I noticed that the Leader Of The Free World looks more like a frog every day.  He’ll have to stay that way, I guess, because it looks like even his wife doesn’t want to kiss him.  

This insight, if that’s what it was, led to the thought that in this context, FROG acronyms nicely to Frightened Ridiculous Old Goat, so that’s how I propose to refer to him from now on.  Following is the tedious expanded explanation.  

FRIGHTENED 

As just about everyone knows, bullies live in fear.  You can tell who they’re afraid of by who they push around and who they submit to, often with much bluster. This is a partial list of who The FROG fears and briefly why:

People who really are smart. I know a lot of smart people, and they do not go about proclaiming how smart they are.  They expect it will be noticed, but they don’t need for it be.  Making fun of actual scientists, historians and economists has not been enough to relieve his cowardly anxiety, so he is letting Real President Musk sack them or cut off their funding.  

People who really are physically brave.  Starting with the bone spurs which kept him out of physical danger was a start, but his later deriding of combat fatalities and veterans did not satisfy his pathetic need for comfort.  So off with your services, veterans, firefighters,  police officers and anyone else whose courage exceeds his own.  This is, by the way, a very long list.

People who really are politically brave.  As a political bully, the FROG cannot abide anybody in politics who is not a coward.   Since they are so unlike him, he is always unsure about how to deal with these people.  This list includes, for example, President Zelensky, Chairman Xi, Vlad the Shirtless, and a couple of US Senators.  

He has tried out various approaches to getting them to give in to his self-proclaimed but imperceptible charm, his self-proclaimed but imperceptible negotiating skill, and his self-proclaimed but imperceptible strength and courage.  Mostly these methods feature bluster, empty threats, and where applicable, lawsuits.

People of demonstrated integrity.  Despite the popular belief, all levels of government in the United States are stuffed with people who take their oaths of office seriously.  Many of them have actually read the Constitution and rather like it.  He can’t figure them out — if he tried to tell the truth, his tongue would snap off — so they need to be sacked.  

People who are not rich straight white males. The FROG Prince is terrified of women, especially if they have the temerity to let it be known that they are smarter and tougher than he is — again, a long list:  Taylor Swift, for example, and Hillary Clinton.  He is terrified of anyone who causes him to question his slapstick version of masculinity, which is practically everybody, and everybody who has neglected to be born into his skin colour and economic class.  How do we know this?  Take a look at what groups he uses his formal powers to subjugate, undercut, or deprive of their rights and privileges.  

Voters.  Voters are notoriously unpredictable, so he uses his power and influence to reduce their numbers except among his most ardent admirers.  Even some of them, especially Republican officeholders who are becoming reluctant to run on his record, are starting to drift away.  Some of them no longer want to kiss the frog, it seems.  Or at least, no tongue. 

RIDICULOUS

If your grandmother went around insisting she had been elected President of the United States and making demands in that capacity, there would be talk and probably action.  At this point, even some Congressional Republican jellyfish seek to change the subject when he puts forth this proposition. 

This is a guy who thinks the water pressure in his shower is an issue the President of the United States should spend time on.  This is a guy who, because he insists he never makes a mistake, says that those in the know understand “covfefe” and secretly know, as he does, that Mattel is a country about to raise its tariffs on US imports.

This is a guy who says Democrats “hate America,” but who is the leader of the only large faction proclaiming that America is a crime-ridden, poverty-stricken train wreck?  It’s not Democrats (yet); it’s not Xi or Putin or Khamenei.  It’s him. 

This is a guy who thinks real people have orange hair and skin and squeaky little doll voices.  Perhaps he’ll run for President of the Oompa-Loompas if he can’t run here again.  How much more ridiculous can he get?  Stick around a while.

OLD

The FROG  is a couple of months older than I am.  He is the oldest person ever to be elected President.  He thinks Communists are a threat to the United States.   Fourteen people, including him, have been President since he and I were born; eight, not including him, have been Pope.  (He has not yet claimed that the last conclave was rigged against him, but he will pretty soon.) He and I have been around for more than thirty percent of the existence of the United States Constitution, a document he has not yet got around to reading and recently said he isn’t sure he’s required to uphold.   This is an old guy.

GOAT

This guy is proud of being a sexual predator and makes leering remarks about his daughter in public addresses.   He thinks he’s unbelievably sexy, a common problem among a certain subset of Olde Guys.  He frequently refers to female Cabinet officers and officials of other countries in terms that would earn him a lawsuit in any decent country.  (I realize that “goat” in this context usually appears as “old goat, but this seems to put too much work on “old” at its age, so bear with me.)

SO NOW WHAT?

Frankly, the best thing you can do for the country is never speak his name again.  Instead, refer to him as “the Republican President” and the actions of the jellyfish Congress and Cabinet as, for example, “Republican taxes,” “the Republican measles epidemic” (including “children who died in the Republican measles epidemic”), “Republican inflation,” “Republican unemployment.”  

You get the idea. He will never run for public office again, except maybe among the Oompa-Loompas.  Republicans will run for office from now on.  I am a Republican, and my fondest hope is that no one from my party will win any election in the United States for at least a decade. I reckon it will take that long for most of the poison to work its way out of the system. Make politicians afraid to be linked to the Republican party until it cuts loose from the FROG.

So any time one of his disciples bangs on about his deeply un-American notions, do what you would do if they were making overtly racialist remarks: call them on it.  As politely as you can, of course -- opponents are not enemies.   Many of them will become angry, no matter how polite you are.  Smile sweetly and inquire after their families or their favourite football team.  You’ve said your piece.

And when anyone starts to complain about losing a job or paying too much for anything or a child who has sickened or died from a preventable disease, ask them who they voted for.  If they voted for him, just say, “It’s too bad such things are happening” and ask about their family or football team.  If they didn’t, remind them why it happened and ask what they’re going to do about it.  As Rabbi Heschel pointed out, in a democracy, few are guilty but all are responsible.