LA GUERRE EST FINIE--VIVE LA GUERRE! – by Jim Kent

Several times a week for the last little while, valiant President Bonespurs has triumphantly declared the victorious end of his war on Iran and the total annihilation of Iran’s defense capability. This has been followed almost immediately by Iran failing to notice their destruction and bombing some more places.

For the first few Missions Accomplished of—let’s call it Operation Substitute Manhood--The Aged Incumbent was incredulous. In no uncertain terms, he had told the Iranians that the war was over and they had been destroyed--how dare they keep fighting?

Later he was incredulous that our European allies didn’t want to play the roles he had assigned to them, and incredulous again when Bibi didn’t follow his clear orders, and incredulous again when it was suggested that he had impaired his chances for a Nobel peace prize, despite his having “negotiated” a cease-fire. (The Nobel people aren’t impressed if you pause a war that you started, even if you declare it done and dusted many times.)

[The guy spends a lot of time being incredulous about stuff everybody else already knows—remember “Nobody knew that health care could be so complicated”? Apparently oblivion is his default condition. But, as usual, I digress.]

He is scheduled to be incredulous again when it turns out the Iranians, like pretty much everyone else, have been playing him, and have used the current cease-fire to rebuild their capacity for mischief. With many sanctions removed, they will soon have plenty of cash to replace weapons and other trinkets. It won’t be nearly enough to put most of the residential and commercial buildings back together, but this will not be among their top priorities.

The Leader Of The Free World will either have to resume bombing Iran or, more likely, go the TACO route while excoriating our allies again for not wanting to join in the fun. In the meantime, of course, he will have announced the end of the war and the crushing of Iran yet again. One doubts that any war in history has been overwhelmingly won so many times with no discernible change in the actual situation.

There are a couple of things to bear in mind as this plays out. First, a cease-fire does not end a war. Sometimes, as we have seen, it doesn’t even cease the firing. There has been a cease-fire between North and South Korea since 1953, but they are still officially at war. Short-term truces are usually occasions for refreshing arsenals, rearming combat units, and adjusting troop deployments. Probably nobody has mentioned this to our Earless Leader, though.

Second and most important, the deal he is touting is not nearly as good as the one he jettisoned when he took office the first time. You do not need to be a treeful of owls to recognize this. Basic reading the thinking skills will reveal it to you. Do we know someone who lacks these, but is allowed every day to make important decisions? (Hint: He thinks an “important decision” is to imprison or maybe execute the malefactors who ruined his beautiful paint job on the reflecting pool, remembering that he has adduced no actual evidence for this. Do you need more hints?)

Lately M. Petits-Doigts has said he is getting bored with the Iran situation. He is therefore offering to turn his attention to Cuba so they may reap the benefits of his sagacity. There is very little worth bombing in Cuba these days, and I’ll bet the gusanos will insist on an actual invasion with real live US soldiers anyway. This will not go well, even though a large proportion of the island’s population has left. The Aged Incumbent will not remember, and no one will dare to tell him, that Cubans can run astonishingly effective military operations with astonishingly few resources.

He has got The Fever--the same one Andrew Jackson, James K. Polk, William McKinley, the JFK-LBJ Vietnam victors, and George W among others came down with. Its main symptom is belief in the rectitude of American policy, the invincibility of American arms, and a heroic indifference to expert advice and public opinion. So this war will come back, or another one will take its place, or maybe both. Operation Substitute Manhood must run its course until total triumph and eternal glory crown the president and his advisors.

In the magical land of elves and fairies that inhabits what’s left of his mind, this is imminent. He will win the war some more times, much as he has won the 2016 election many times; his enemies will be crushed and so will his friends; everything everywhere will bear his name and likeness; and he will be granted immortality by a humble and grateful God.

So aux armes, citoyens! The war is over – long live the war!