TRADERS FROM OUTER SPACE
Breaking news from the Insighter’s Financial Desk
As if “insider trading” wasn’t bad enough we now have to worry about “outer space trading” according to one of our anonymous sources, citing a discovery made by the Astronomical Center for Economics (ACE). Apparently a team of astro-economists, whom the source describes as being like behavioral economists except they study the behavior and economics of heavenly bodies rather than human ones, was able to intercept and decode communications between earth and outer space. The communications were between a cloud computing center in North Dakota and a planet in a solar system 40 light years from earth. Our source explained that the communication method used is based on the quantum mechanics principle of “entanglement” in which two sub atomic particles can pass information between each other instantaneously even if they are millions of miles apart. Albert Einstein called it “spooky action at a distance” but in this case it is “spooky investing at a distance” since the intercepted transmissions from outer space involve the buying and selling of stocks and other financial investments. Instead of using flying saucers as their vehicles they use ETF’s, only in this case the initials stand for Extraterrestrial Traded Funds rather than Exchange Traded Funds. As our source puts it, “They’re like angel investors only they’re aliens, although, when you think about it, angels are also aliens from another world".
In answer to our question as to how creatures from outer space were able to make terrestrial investments, our source responded. "We’ve labeled the method AI squared because it’s artificial intelligence plus alien investor. It seems that these alien investors waited until we had created a super complicated financial and monetary system that is so dependent on computers and algorithms that it’s beyond human understanding. At that point they could take over without firing a shot from one of their ray guns. Instead of a hedge fund they have created a hegemony fund that already has majority stakes in most of the world’s major businesses like Amazon, Google and Apple as well as some small ones like Trump.” Does the President know that his major investor is from outer space we asked in astonishment? “Sure,” our source answered. “The Trump Organization depends on foreign investors. In fact he even offered them special H-1B visas if they would bankroll Trump Hotels and golf courses on other planets. It’s like Star Trek only in this case it’s the starship Trump Enterprise and it’s going where no brand has gone before. Of course, he doesn’t know that we untangled his entangled tweets to them.” In light of these shocking discoveries we asked our source what ACE thought would happen when aliens owned a majority of our world’s wealth? “We don’t know what their intentions are other than accumulating the most bucks or, more likely, Bitcoins,” he answered. “But it probably can’t be much more alien to the interests of humanity than the current situation in which one percent of the human population owns the majority of the world’s wealth.”