Singapore Slinging  

In yet another exclusive, the Insighter has obtained a tape of the only private meeting between United States President Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un, North Korea’s Supreme Leader.  Because Kim speaks English it was held without interpreters or anyone else present. Due to the secrecy of this informal, one on one, meeting the Insighter cannot divulge the source of this secret tape. 

 

Trump- “Say where did you learn to speak English?”

 

Kim - “At the school I attended in Switzerland.”

 

Trump - “Good idea to study English instead of Swiss.  It’s much more useful.”

 

Kim - “No one speaks Swiss in Switzerland.”

 

Trump - “Proves my point.  You know I feel already that we’re on a first name basis, Kim. 

 

Kim - “Kim is my family name, Donald.  Jong-un is my first name.”

 

Trump - “That’s a real tongue twister.  I’d rather call you Kim, is that okay.  It reminds me of another Kim that I saw a week ago.  She’s very famous. A big star.”

 

Kim - “You mean Kim Kardashian.  I am a big fan.”

 

Trump - “Yeah, well Kim came to see me about somebody she wanted a pardon for.”

 

Kim - “Pardon?”

 

Trump - “As President of the United States I can set someone free who committed a crime.  It’s one of the perks of being a President.”

 

Kim - “As President of my country I can execute someone who didn’t commit a crime.”

 

Trump - “Yeah, well get this, my lawyers say that under our Constitution I can even pardon myself as President and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.”

 

Kim - “I am above our Constitution, so I don’t even need to know what’s in it.”

 

Trump - “That’s how I feel as well.  Pretty soon I’ll have a Supreme Court that agrees.”

 

Kim - “I see we that we are both strong leaders.”

 

Trump - “Yeah, we’ve got big, you know…”

 

Kim - “Hands?”

 

Trump - “That too.”

 

Kim - “I noticed them when you saluted General No.”

 

Trump - “No?”

Kim - “Yes, you have a very good manicure.”

 

Trump - “No, I mean is No his real name?”

 

Kim - “Yes, it is No.”

 

Trump - “General No, huh.  Reminds me of Doctor No.  You know, the James Bond movie?”

 

Kim - “I have watched all the James Bond movies.”

 

Trump - “You know a lot of people say I remind them of James Bond.  He and I are both babe magnets.  And, of course, now that I’m President according to my lawyers the Constitution gives me a license to kill just like him.”

 

Kim - “I don’t need a license.  I just tell someone I want someone killed and it’s done. When I speak my people sit up at attention. I don’t even have to salute.”

 

Trump - “Well, I don’t really have to either.  It’s just that I went to a military school when I was a kid and I always liked the saluting part.  You know I could have been a general if I’d pursued my military career. Everyone says that if I’d joined the army gone to Viet Nam I would have been made a general, probably Green Berets, and won the Medal of Honor.”

 

Kim - “Why did you decide not to?”

 

Trump  - “It turns out they wouldn’t have made me a general right away and I don’t like taking orders from anyone.  So, I did it my way and look, I’m the Commander and Chief and all the generals have to take my orders.  Of course, I had to pass on getting a Medal of Honor, but everyone says that I should get the Nobel Peace Prize for meeting with you.”

 

Kim - “Everyone in my country says I should get it.”

 

Trump – “Look, if we cut a deal we can split the Nobel Prize.  I get two thirds and you get one third.”

 

Kim - “Why don’t I get two thirds?”

 

Trump - “Okay, we both get two thirds.  You’re almost as good of a negotiator as me.”

 

Kim - “I read your book, The Art of the Deal.”

 

Trump - “Everyone says it should win the Nobel Prize for Literature. Obama didn’t win that Nobel with his fake book.”

 

Kim - “I thought that was awarded only for fiction.”

 

“Trump – “That’s just fake news.”

 

Kim- “But what did we do to win the Peace Prize?”

 

Trump - “We shook hands.”

 

Kim - “We touched each other on the arm.”

 

Trump - “That’s more than Melania does.”

 

Kim - “Then we ate.”

 

Trump – “I really liked the vanilla Haagen Daz.”

 

Kim - “And you showed me your armored Cadillac.”

 

Trump - “Sorry you couldn’t take a test drive but, like I said, I can get you deal on one since I know the CEO of General Motors.”

 

Kim - “What else, Donald?”

 

Trump – “The most important thing is that we both agree that I did what no other previous American President has done.”

 

Kim - “Yes, Donald, most definitely we are in agreement on that.”

 

Trump -“Great, now let’s get down to the important stuff.  I want to show you a video trailer for a movie that my film company, Destiny Pictures, would like to make that stars none other than you and me.  Everyone that’s seen the trailer says that if we make the movie its bound to win the Academy Award. It’s what you call a buddy movie like Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.  Even though everyone says I look like Robert Redford you can be the kid.”

 

Kim - “But don’t they both get killed in the end?  I like Lethal Weapon better.”

 

Trump - “Okay, I’ll be Mel Gibson.”

 

Kim - “But I want to be Mel Gibson.”

 

Trump - “We can’t both be Mel Gibson.  Let’s go back to Paul Newman and Robert Redford only this time it’s the one where they pull the big con job.”

 

Kim - “You mean The Sting.  It’s my favorite buddy movie.” 

 

Trump - “Great, our buddy movie about what we did here will be just like The Sting.”  

 

Tape Ends Abruptly

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