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a state of emergency

The following is a transcript of a recent call to Washington DC’s 911 emergency number.


911 Operator:  “This is 911 what is the nature of the emergency?”


Caller:  “I’m under attack.”


911 Operator:“By who?”


Caller:  “A bunch of losers. Real wackos and lowlifes. The worst.”


911 Operator:“Are the attackers armed?”


Caller:  “Armed, of course they’re armed.  They’ve also got legs. They’ve got whatever loser, wackos have. They’re dumb as a rock and the ugliest people you’d ever see if you ever saw them, which you don’t want to. And, did I say they are also out to get me. If I could only get to my weapons I would take them out.  I’ve got bigger weapons than anyone.”


911 Operator:“You shouldn’t take the law into your own hands Sir.”


Caller:  “What’s wrong with my hands? I’ve got very large hands.  Also very strong. People tell me all the time that I have the largest, strongest, and most manly hands they have ever seen.”


911 Operator:“Are you in a safe place?”


Caller:  “What a stupid question.  Why would I be calling you if I thought I was in a safe place. I have safe places and I try to get to them every chance I can but my people tell me that I have to spend at least some of my really valuable time in this dump. It doesn’t even have a golf course.”


911 Operator:“Can you describe in more detail the nature of this threat?”


Caller:  “More detail?”


911 Operator:“It would help to have a few facts, Sir.”


Caller:  “Everything I say is a fact.  I never say anything that’s fake. VERY BAD, DISRESPECTUL PEOPLE ARE OUT TO GET ME!


911 Operator:“Sir, please try to stay calm.”


Caller:  “Stay calm? No one is calmer than me. I’m the most calm person in the world.”


911 Operator:“Are there any members of your family that are with you at the moment?”


Caller:  “Except for my current wife and youngest son they’re are all out running my business for me while I’m tied up with this current job.  They can’t run it as good as me, but they’re almost as good looking, especially my oldest daughter.”


911 Operator:“Where is your current wife now?”


Caller:  “Who knows. Probably out of town.  New York City, Palm Beach, Africa or something. She likes to get away as much as possible.  She’s got a lot of designer clothes to wear and she’s one of the most beautiful women in the world.  At least she was when I married her. Now it possible that my oldest of my daughter is even hotter.”


911 Operator:“What about your youngest son. Is he in a safe place?”


Caller:  “Why are you worried about him? I’m the one who’s calling you. You should be worried about me and let me worry about him.  He’s not even here.  At least I don’t think he is but even if he is no one would notice. Not like his old man. People say I’m the most noticeable man there ever was.”


911 Operator:“Could you please tell me more specifically, who these people are who are trying to get you?”


Caller:  “They’re in the minority.  They claim they’re the majority but that’s fake news.  I have more people who are for me than anyone, ever.”


911 Operator:“Can you be more specific?”


Caller:  “They took over the house down the street. It was all rigged, illegal, by the way. Now they want mine as well.”


911 Operator:“Have you locked your doors and windows?”


Caller:  “What good would that do? What this place needs is a big, concrete, maybe steel, wall not this dinky fence.  Like what they have around the Kremlin. It’s even got really big towers. I saw it when I visited Moscow. Very impressive. I tried to buy one of the towers but the timing was bad. Anyway, these scumbags who took over the house won’t let me build a big, beautiful wall so that’s why I had no recourse but to call a state of emergency.”


911 Operator:“You called 911, Sir.”


Caller:  “Isn’t this the number you call if there’s an emergency?”


911 Operator:“Yes, but it’s not for calling a state of emergency.  I have people with real emergencies who are trying to get through to 911 so I’ll have to cut you off now.”


Caller:  “You cut me off and you know what?”


911 Operator:“What?”


Caller:  “YOU’RE FIRED!”

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